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"By The River Piedra,

 I sat down and wept."

Ever since the day I had my hands on this book, which probably had been 3 years already, it has never failed to make me understand how importance love is and how forgiveness makes love even more possible. I thought of reading this book again, because like Pilar, the lead, my heart is breaking, and that as she wrote how she found and lost love, she hopes of letting go of all the pain inside her heart, I, too, hope that as I finish the book again, would be able to let go and start anew.
 
I have had all these magic moments in my life. Some I grabbed and used, some, I sadly disregarded. I am extraordinary, I am claiming, since a lot of people would affirm me that I am special, that I am different, not in a bad way, but in a good way- where I am able to make them feel that nothing is impossible, because I make them believe that everything happens for a reason, that everyday is a new day, that it should be lived like there is no more tomorrow- I make them see that there's no need to worry, because each day means another chance, to change, to make it all right. That everyday should always be something to hope for, because God is a good God, who makes everything possible.
 
I am hoping that as I finish this book, all the pain also had been swept away by the tears, invisible or visible. I am dying a little everyday inside, because I am still believing that it's still possible, that he would still come to me one day, and tell me that he still loves me, and that he wants to try it again with me, this time, without the fear of getting hurt, without the fear of risking it all, without the fear of making a mistake, without the fear of grabbing the magic moments and make everything possible, because this time, we will be doing everything for the love of God. Staying, believing, hoping, risking and loving for the love of God- no other reason, but  this. Deep inside me, I am still holding on to the pinch of hope that it is still possible, though I am trying to let go, because I still believe that love never fails.
 
As I try to let go of all the pain, of the longing, of the hurt, I will be stronger, I will love myself even more and believe that everything will be okay, that all things will fall into place.
 
But until then, all I can do right now is to wish and pray and hope for all the pain to go away.
 
One day, I'll be fine. 
 
Just, not today.

One Day.

I will be brave enough to tell you

everything that I want you to know,

everything that I want to say,

everything that I want you to do,

everything that I dream of,
 
how I feel, 
 
how I really feel.

I will be brave,
 
ONE DAY.

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Every summer, in Youth For Christ, we have this SHOUT (Summer House Training) for us, Sector Youth Heads. It was something I always look forward to, especially after my first time last year, when I had just the best feeling after the final worship. This year's was a more awesome SHOUT. I made a lot of new friends, and each day God took away all my worries and fears, and gradually, He healed my heart that was breaking.

The most affirming thing was that the verse for the training is my favorite verse, Jeremiah 29:11, which says, "For I know my plans for you, plans to save you and not to harm you, plans to give you  a future and to give you hope." I have been holding on to that promise for probably 8 years, and God gave me His promise last friday. Almost everyone in the community knows how hard it has been for me for the past 8 years, almost 9, whenever I wish to serve, because my parents would usually not let me go to the events, and the "breakup" had been an addition to that struggle. So, everytime I pray, I would always ask the Lord to help me be stronger everyday, and that one day, He would answer my prayer that I will worship Him, with my parents. Sometimes, I lost hope, I've already claimed it, that it was impossible to happen, that it will never be done. But everytime I read that verse, God slaps me in the face and tells me to have faith. And when my parents went to the Honoring Night, I was pouring my heart out, and I just felt that God really fulfills his promises, that Nothing really is impossible, because the impossible happened! It was the best feeling I have ever had, it was such an unexpected event, yet so powerful that I wasn't able to speak, all I was able to do was cry. The tears of joy overflowed! While I was sharing infront, how God worked in my life, I was looking at my parents and saw that they, too, felt at peace. After a long time, in my life, I have never felt so peaceful and happy.
 
All the talks, the workshops, the worships, every single experience, even my cooking (which, btw, was awesome, because I never thought I could cook good food.), and me cleaning the SHOUT house, everything just had struck me. In everything that I did, I felt like God spoke to me, and I listened, and He listened to me as well. It was just a spectacular feeling, that I know will last forever, because God never fails to make me feel that He loves me like I am the only one in this world, that I am his favorite. I will treasure this forever, and will share how wonderfully God made me realize that nothing is impossible.
 
Here are some of our pictures:
 

With YEAHHBAH! We're not complete though! :(
 

 
With Area 3 people during session. :D
 
jamming with Nico boy!
 
with Area 3! Jessa while talking with someone on the phone: WAIT LANG! NAGSMILE LANG AKO! funnyness!
 
AND FOR THAT MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS,
 
MAY GOD BE PRAISED! <3

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What do you say to taking chances?

I have been quite struggling a little lately, and it actually sucks, because I can't seem to figure out how to get through all of it. It's just that, there are so many things going on and all of them just stops me from doing anything. It's really bothering and not helpful. I am really scared, frustrated and sometimes, even already numb.

My parents, well actually just my mom, is all over the place again. The issue that I thought had been solved before is becoming an issue again today. I just don't get it, what do they don't understand that this is where my heart is? Serving the Lord in YFC has always been my calling, and through it I've grown more mature over the years. It was a a major heartbreak for me when they decided to move to the "other" organization, and it was doubled when they were forcing me to move with them. I don't want to stop serving Him in YFC, and I've prayed and discerned, it was not easy, people whispering here and there, and it sucks even more that you're parents are the ones who do not understand. I have learned, that truly, it is when you serve Him that your cross is heavier, because people will judge you, and the ones you love will even hate you, and sometimes leave you, but at the same time, it is when you are stronger. Ironic, but true, because it is when He helps you in carrying your cross. Right now, I am really torn. I don't know exactly what God wants me to do. I don't want to break my parents' hearts, but mine will be the one that will be crushed. I really don't know. Right now, all I know is, God brought me here, He wants me to never stop loving, until it stops hurting. I don't exactly know how to get out of this, but I know that He will never leave me. I am exactly where He wants me to be. I hope one day, they will understand that I am not doing this for myself, but for Him. I hope one day they would be with me in my service. That is God's promise to me, and until it's not yet happening, I will never stop serving Him.
 
I went to my old blog, and I saw this as my last entry. I remember that day very well. It was such a happy day, the mass, the movie, the walks. It was really just one of the best days of my life, something I would bring until I die. Right now, I am just, confused and there's a lot going on in my head right now. I wish everything would come back to normal. You know, just  like before. But I guess, all I can do right now is to wait, and keep on hoping that everything is going to be alright, that everything will eventually fall into place.
 
I also saw this, and made me smile, not just because of the good grammar (lol), but because I have realized how tough it was before and yet I had been able to get through it all.
 
So, right now, it's all a matter of me being brave to take risks. It will never be easy. But I do believe it will be worth it.

I took my love and I took it down...


I've been listening to this song for the past few days now, and I just never get tired of it. It's such a heartbreaking song, and if you happened to watch the episode of Glee where it was sung, you would feel how much Santana loves Brittany. It's just... so beautiful and vulnerable.

I am not exactly sure what I feel right now, but what I know is that this has got to stop. It's ruining me, as a whole and I am in the brink of falling from the mountain top.

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Writer's Block: A night unlike any other

What was the best night of your life so far, and what made it so special?

My 18th birthday. It was the best night, so far, because it made me feel that I am not alone, that I will never be alone. All my loved ones were there, it was just so perfect, every bit of it, even if I danced so terribly. HAHAHA! But it was just awesome, you know, seeing people you love, and feel that they love you as well, it was just awesome :)
If there was one person, living or dead, to whom you could apologize, who would you choose, and what would you say?

My dad.

I am sorry daddy, because I always fail and disappoint you. I am sorry I am not as good as my siblings, that I am not as efficient as any of them or even as sweet as ate. I am sorry dad, because even though I've been trying all my life to make you proud, I just never fail to disappoint you instead. One day, dad, I will. I promise. I love you dad, I am sorry.

Confession 1

to jpaul91 , this is my first confession:

I am scared and insecure.

I am scared probably, because, I am insecure.

I don't have the prettiest face in the world, neither do I have a gorgeous body. I am not the most intelligent girl in class, nor the greatest singer there can be. I still feel scared, because one day you might find someone who has all of these, and there's nothing I can do. I get jealous, too, most of the time, when people ask you to come with them and you do, but when it comes to me, wanting to be with you, I feel like you don't want to at times. Even worst, I sometimes feel that you like being with them more than being with me. I am sorry, I am scared, probably because I am insecure.

I am scared and insecure.

You say I am an idealist. I might be, but it's just that, I've experienced the worst, that's why probably I'd always picture something better. I was able to carry-on because I had hope in my heart that everything will turn out if not fine, then maybe better. I have seen reality a little more worse than how I am seeing it now. Instead of looking at it that way, I made myself turn away from it, so I would value whatever beauty life has prepared for me. I am sorry, I am not looking at reality the way I should look at it, it's just that I don't want to make the same mistakes over again. I don't want to dwell too much on the bad side and think again that life is an awful regret.

I am scared and insecure.

Sometimes I feel like you don't appreciate me. Especially when I want to spend some alone time with you, and then you ask someone else to join us. It's okay, I mean, I don't want you to think I m possessive, but sometimes I just really want to have time with you because I know that you're always on the go, and busy, and it might take a little longer before we could be together again. So, I am sorry because I am scared you might think I am a little too possessive of you, and feel like I am "nakakasakal."

Most of all,

I am scared to tell you that I am scared and insecure. I am weak, and I don't want you to see that. I am scared to speak up, because all my life, I have been judged as someone who's disappointing, who never did anything right. I am not brave enough to speak up, but, I am glad, because I know for a fact, that I am gradually learning to overcome this fear. And, if you don't know it still, It's because of you.

There are more to be confessed. Like what I always tell you, I'd rather write it, than say it. I am not sure how you'll react on  it, but better tell you than leave it all unsaid, huh? :)

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I've always been this person who never failed to listen to whatever others have to say. I guess, it's because all my life, I've been trying so hard to be heard, but everytime, I just can't seem to be noticed. I've seen myself always being pushed away, thinking that I am not good enough, and even worse, that I will never be good enough. Maybe that's why I try to always listen to those who need my ears. Hoping that one day, I, too, will be heard, will be good enough to be noticed, and even better, to be appreciated.

I am sensitive, you might say, but I try to not show it too much, since my "past" friends hated my "emo-self." But, that was me. I have driven myself out of the path and looked at life as something I should never waste. I've always wanted people to see my worth, but I always end up being neglected and unwanted, and more often, unappreciated. I, myself, pushed myself down, letting them win this, letting me be eaten by insecurity and cowardice. Yet, one day, I've realized that I am not worthless, that instead of allowing them to laugh at my weaknesses, I must prove them wrong. As Each moment passed by, I've been able to see the reward of slowly transcending, and this made me realize that it's such a nice thing to see that you are not just proving them they're wrong, but importantly, proving yourself that you are not worthless.

The last thing I want is for me to be judged. But I guess, everyone is, whether we like it or not, looked at from head to toe. Oh how ironic, I want to be heard yet I don't want to be judged. This feeling is just quite unbearable. There had been too much pain that I am already numb.

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blackandwhite
aixtraordinary
aixtraordinary

I am a dreamer.

An aspiring writer who loves unconditionally and reads slowly.

I am not perfect. I cry. I laugh. I curse. I pray.

I am just not like anybody.

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