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Numb

 That I would maybe right to you. I don't know. But I know that I have to do this, because there is no other way to say it, since I don't know how to. So, here, I hope I'll be able to let it all out here. I read my old blog and found my letter for him summer of 2010, and I've seen how positive I was. I hope I'll be like that again. I really want to. How I wish all the pain would go away, right now, at this very moment. Yet, I know it won't, and I know that I can never be fully okay unless I stop seeing him everyday.

Hey. I know I have already written a letter for you, and you've read it, but yeah, I just really feel like I had to do this, because I am feeling all shitty right now, and I am hoping that writing this would make me feel better. It's been 41 days since we had broken up. It's been real tough, especially when I see you every single day, and I try to pretend like I am all happy and okay, trying to look and be strong, even though deep inside, I am dying. I can't stand close to you, I can't touch you, though I talk to you, I still try not to be closer to you, because I know that such proximity isn't enough for us to have what we had then. I love you, so much. You know that, and I tried to always make you feel that I will never give up on you, and I didn't, and I won't. I will never stop believing in you, JP, I promise I won't. But, I know I have to let you go. What makes it more complicated, is you, acting up like nothing happened. Talking to me like nothing's wrong, doing things to catch my attention, I dunno. I don't want to think about it anymore, I don't want to hurt anymore. I am hurting, everytime I see you, I can feel all the pain I have to feel. Then, at one moment, I become numb, then all hurt again the next.. I want to tell you that I am happy for you, but I can't, because I am not. Yet, I really really want to let go of you already, so I wouldn't hurt anymore. I want you to be happy, and I want me to be happy, too. Yet, all I know is, as long as I am seeing you, and you treating me like nothing happened, acting up so insensitively, I will never be okay a hundred percent. So, please, stop coming back or making me feel like you're coming back, because I couldn't bear it anymore. I am not your toy, I am God's princess, and it's about time you start treating me one.

PLEASE, I really still do care about you, and love you. But I don't want to anymore. Because I know, that I should really let you go, because I deserve to be treated as beautiful as I am.

Thank you.

I should've posted this last week, especially when something "tragic" happened last saturday. I am not sure how and what I feel right now. All I know is, I am trying to transcend all the pain, because I am becoming numb as I could be, yet, I know this is of no help, since I am not feeling the pain I should feel. But, Whatever.
 
I am just hoping you are okay, and that you are on your way to finding the Lord's path for you. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. One day, this will always make sense. Always remember, though, that you will always have my heart, that I promise, and as you know, I never break my promises.
 
This is the time, I say,
 
Let go, and Let God.
 
God's will be done.

Comments

( 2 comments — Comento? )
ashloveswoo
Jul. 8th, 2011 02:40 am (UTC)
This really touched me because I am going through the same thing. I admire your courage for letting your feelings out.
aixtraordinary
Jul. 13th, 2011 03:04 pm (UTC)
Thank you, too, for your kindness. :) Endure. It will all be worth it. :)
( 2 comments — Comento? )

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blackandwhite
aixtraordinary
aixtraordinary

I am a dreamer.

An aspiring writer who loves unconditionally and reads slowly.

I am not perfect. I cry. I laugh. I curse. I pray.

I am just not like anybody.

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