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New blog!

Moved to wordpress. :) Gush I am missing LJ so badly. :( wordpress is eating me! Here:

loveisallaroundme.wordpress.com

See you, soon! :)

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Hmm. I am kind of planning on transferring to Tumblr for my blog. I am not sure what I should do. So I'd just put my link here, if ever I don't get to write here anymore.

Life goes on. People leave. But hey, that's how life rumbles.

http://aixtraordinary.tumblr.com

BALANA.

What keeps you moving forward?

This morning, after a very long time, I went out and jogged. It felt really good, only, my body wasn't that ready yet to run again. I had to rush into the washroom after an hour of sweating, and vomited, thank God, it wasn't blood. But I actually felt good! While I was running, there were times that I was desperately catching my breath, and honestly, I wanted to stop, but in my mind, I keep on telling myself, "WHO TOLD YOU YOU CAN'T DO IT?!"

I remember the movie Facing the Giants, a movie very close to my heart. It was a movie about faith and how you can handle all obstacles with faith. There was a part there, where the coach of the football team asked one of his players to pass through the 20 yards of the field goal (or something like that), crawling, and carrying one of his teammates at his back. He doubted himself, and yet, his coach motivated him, that he can, and he will. While the player was doing what he was told to do, he was deeply frustrated, and there were moments he felt like giving up. But, the whole time, his coach never stopped pushing him, telling him, "DON'T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF! NO! DON'T GIVE UP ON ME!" Surprisingly, the player ended up passing more than 20 yards, he passed through the whole football field, without stopping.
 
What keeps you moving forward?
 
I've had a really tough time handling myself lately, but then, I knew in my heart, that I HAD TO KEEP MOVING FORWARD. It really wasn't easy. There were moments where I find myself trying not to breakdown and cry, trying to look and be strong, even though deep inside, I am dying. But, I have changed the way I looked at things. I stopped wishing to turn back time, ended up my habit of always thinking too much, and even stopped pretending that nothing happened. What I've learned about pain is that, the more you run away from it, the more it hurts. So I started facing  it. I started facing my giant, and endure all the pain I have to feel. Here I am now, smiling with a real smile, laughing with a real laugh, and I feel my heart, close to experiencing that peace I've been longing to have, for almost all the pain, hurt and anger vanished. I knew in my heart, that there is no reason to stop living, even though everything seemed like the end.
 
Fascinatingly, I haven't answered my own question. So, I shall ask it again; What keeps you moving forward?
 
Every night, I pray to God, I read the bible, I go to mass, I pray the rosary. God motivates me to always speak to Him, and pray. He keeps me moving forward, and yes, I am really moving forward, not because I did not give up on Him, but because He was the one who did not give up on me! Look, I am not saying that you, too, should do the same: to read the bible, go to mass, even on weekdays, pray the rosary, etc. All I am saying is that, if not for Him, I wouldn't be happy today, I wouldn't be where I am today, I wouldn't have moved forward today. But I did, and I did it, because He keeps telling me to move forward. How did I do that?
 
It's simple. I simply had to LET GO, AND LET GOD.
 
So how about you? What or Who keeps you moving forward? What or Who keeps you motivated?
 
Godbless everyone! PRAY. RISK. LOVE.
 

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Finally,

 I am getting better, FINALLY.

I had the chance to talk to my household head in YFC, tonight. We were supposed to watch HP7 part 2, but I had to stay longer in our rehearsals since there were no other altos available but me. So, we just had dinner in KFC then had a wonderful chat.

I've had an amazing day.

I have come to realize that I am really finally getting better. I am happy that I am not letting myself be affected by all the pain, and hurt. I am really in the process of healing, since the anger in my heart is drifting away. I was affirmed, too, that I am really called to serve the Lord. People doubted my capabilities as a leader, but here I am, slowly proving them wrong. I am not perfect, I am a sinner, called to experience the love of God. I have been called to answer His calling and serve Him the way He wants me to. I am now affirmed, that I wasn't just called, I was anointed to be His servant. I will serve Him through the way I know- through creatively evangelizing people through my service in YCOM. I am not the best for the "job" but I am know I was made to be there. 

Gahd. I have so many things to say, but nonetheless, I am happy, indeed. Plus, I am praying for a blessing for my birthday. I do hope God would grant it for me, but if He wouldn't just yet, then I would patiently wait for Him and with Him.
 
I am excited, for everything. :D

Writer's Block: Peace of mind

What kind of spiritual or meditative practice keeps you feeling zen?

I pray. Every minute. I do. It may sound cliche, but I do. I talk to him, all the time. And by the end of the day, I read the bible and write in my journal, which is like this book of letters I write or sometimes, I do it every morning when I wake up.

Numb

 That I would maybe right to you. I don't know. But I know that I have to do this, because there is no other way to say it, since I don't know how to. So, here, I hope I'll be able to let it all out here. I read my old blog and found my letter for him summer of 2010, and I've seen how positive I was. I hope I'll be like that again. I really want to. How I wish all the pain would go away, right now, at this very moment. Yet, I know it won't, and I know that I can never be fully okay unless I stop seeing him everyday.

For you. Click it.Collapse )
I should've posted this last week, especially when something "tragic" happened last saturday. I am not sure how and what I feel right now. All I know is, I am trying to transcend all the pain, because I am becoming numb as I could be, yet, I know this is of no help, since I am not feeling the pain I should feel. But, Whatever.
 
I am just hoping you are okay, and that you are on your way to finding the Lord's path for you. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. One day, this will always make sense. Always remember, though, that you will always have my heart, that I promise, and as you know, I never break my promises.
 
This is the time, I say,
 
Let go, and Let God.
 
God's will be done.
Masaya ka na ba? 

NO

I haven't been honest with anyone lately. I haven't been honest with myself, either. I am putting up a "funny" face every single day, trying to look strong and be strong, though I am dying deep inside. I thought I'd be fine, that I'd be okay, but I am not. I see him, everyday, wishing and hoping that all will be well. But it doesn't. Yet, I have to let him go, because this is the only thing I can do for him to be happy. I don't want to ask for him to choose me, I can't and I won't. I love him, and I should respect his decision.

I am not okay. I haven't been honest with my feelings lately. I haven't been honest with anyone, not even myself. I AM NOT OKAY. I know, I tell all who ask me how I am that I am fine, but I am not. I see him, every single day. I try to suck it all up and be all funny and everything, trying to be and look strong, but I am DYING deep inside. If only I could take away all this pain away in one cry, I'd do it with no hesitation, but I know that's impossible. I thought I'd be fine, but I've realized that I can't be fine, until I really don't get to see him anymore. I talk to him now, laugh and joke around with him, BUT HEY, I AM NOT OKAY. I have to let him go, I have to. Because that's the only thing I could do left for him. I have to, even if I don't want to.
NO. I AM NOT OKAY.

I AM NOT.

For the first time.

 The whole world, well not really the whole world, but most of my Facebook friends agreed with me as I have shouted this out:

Letting go does not always mean giving up. Most of the time, to let go means you are brave enough to accept that something better is to be grasped. Yet, more importantly, and ironically, it's a surrender, not because you know you have lost, but because you believe that His plans are always better than your dreams. 

Thank you, to myself, for helping me, and ofcourse, to Him, for not  letting me let go of Him. 

HAY.

 I am waking up, everyday, with a heavy heart. Hoping and praying that it would stop, the pain. Deep inside me, I am still wishing that he would tell me that he still loves me, that he wants to try it again. This time, the right way, we'll do everything for the love of God. He wouldn't be the same egoistic person and me not being the same altruistic one. This time, we'll do it right, that we would do it all for God's love and not just for our love. But, that's all I can do right now, to just HOPE and PRAY. That's all. And then I see him everyday, waiting for him to talk to me, to approach me, yet, the day ends that we act like we don't know each other at all.

The fact that hurts me more is knowing that he's going to be happier without me, that he'll be better without me, while here I am, trying to act like I am fine when I am really not. 
 
My heart is breaking everyday, and the tears from my eyes are like the dust in the ground- unnoticed yet powerful- since the dust is that which makes up the ground itself, so as my tears that heals my heart unexpectedly.
 
By the River Piedra, I sat down and Wept. </3

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aixtraordinary
aixtraordinary

I am a dreamer.

An aspiring writer who loves unconditionally and reads slowly.

I am not perfect. I cry. I laugh. I curse. I pray.

I am just not like anybody.

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